The struggle is real.

I am struggling.

I will get into a great groove with my healthy lifestyle and then things happen and BAM, I am derailed. Where is my will power and determination? I just am not the same person I was before pregnancy. I have developed some sort of emotional relationship with food that did not exist before. Stupid hormones.

So, I am struggling to stay on track and then once I get derailed I am really struggling to recover from it. This really is a new obstacle for me. I used to pride myself on not being an emotional eater. Well, now I am, and it sucks. But, deep down inside, I really am determined to be the best version of me I can be so I will keep going, even if it is so.freaking.hard.

I started tracking macros two weeks ago. I like it. Ironically, there is a lot of freedom with flexible dieting, even if you feel married to the food scale. Unfortunately, I think this may be allowing my temptations to get the best of me. With flex dieting/IIFYM, you can have whatever you want as long as it fits in your daily macros/calories. But, I really struggle with moderation. One Oreo leads to two and then five and then.... well, you get the picture. It isn't pretty. Needless to say, after two weeks, and SEVERAL moments of no self-control, I ended up with only a 0.2 lb loss. I am POSITIVE this would have been POUNDS had I not dove off the wagon head first into a bag of Oreos.

On the other hand, my exercise routine is going really well! I am still following the She Sweats 12 Week Run Builder program with some modifications. I have been having issues with shin splits and side stitches so I have replaced some running with low-impact cardio, but the lifting is going really well! I am really starting to enjoy my lifting days! This week I am going to try to increase my weight and number of sets and see how my body responds!

Goals for this week:
1. Cardio 2X, Lift 3X
2. Stay under on macros/cals everyday! Especially Saturday & Sunday!
3. 80 oz H20/day
4. Vitamins & supplements daily
5. NO EMOTIONAL EATING

Morgan

Just keep swimming.

Life. It certainly interferes with my plans a lot! It seems like every time that I get all motivated with a plan of attack for my weight loss... Life happens. What do ya do? Just keep swimming.

It's been a while since my last post. Sorry about that. I finished my first Whole30 with fantastic results! I lost 15 pounds and dropped a pant size! I was also feeling SO good! I also started the 12 Week Run Builder program, and made it about 5 weeks in. Then life happened.

I have been having some significant pain and discomfort in my mid-lower back and occasionally in my mid abdomen ever since I had the twins (February 2014). For a long time I thought it was my kidneys but the pain was triggered by eating. And it was every time I ate, just certain things, like eggs, would set off the pain. It continued to worsen for months to the point that I landed in the ER not once but twice in one weekend last July. It had gotten so bad that I was in excruciating pain every time I ate. After lots of tests and a few different doctors, they decided it was my gallbladder. So I had it removed August 2014. Fast forward to April 2015. I had just finished my Whole30 and was feeling great. I ate a banana. And the pain came back. It continued to worsen over the next few days to the point that I couldn't pin down what foods were causing it. It was hit or miss. So I reintroduced grains into my diet (against my desire) to see if that would help settle my stomach. I also went back to the doctor. This time I was referred to a GI specialist. He decided it was probably an ulcer but wanted to do a scope. However, I really couldn't afford the scope ($1700!!!!) and didn't feel that it would make much of a difference in my treatment. Whether or not they did the scope, they were treating me for an ulcer. So, I just took the antacid meds for 2 weeks. Then I read somewhere that someone had experienced pain when they switched their thyroid meds to generic.... Which, I had also done when the twins were born because it was cheaper. I decided it was worth a shot so I called my doctor and asked for a new prescription for the brand name med. Problem solved... or so it seemed. It took a couple weeks but eventually the pain went away and had not come back... until now. Fast forward to this past weekend. Pain. Started on Saturday, after I ate eggs. Happened again on Sunday. And yesterday. Ugh. I really think it is an ulcer and there are multiple things that cause it to flare up. I think the generic meds were causing it to worsen and may even be the original cause of it. I am on day 23 of my second Whole30. I read that the Whole30 diet can cause a harsh environment in the stomach due to lack of grains and other basic foods so I am wondering if it isn't that that is causing it to flare up? I don't know. It is damn frustrating though. I WANT to eat this way. I LOVE eating this way. Yet, my body appears to be disagreeing with me.

Needless to say, I am DETERMINED to not let this defeat me. I can and will accomplish my goals regardless of what obstacles I have to overcome... this being one. I will continue to eat healthy and workout even if I don't feel well. My original goal was to finish a Whole90 and the 12 week Run Builder program.... and that is still my goal but I may have to make some modifications. We will see.

No more excuses. Quitting is not an option. I will just adapt and keep on. Time to LOVE myself and LIVE my life.

MJ

Happy

What is happy? I mean, how do you know you are truly happy?

It is unreal how my weight struggles have determined my happiness over the years.

I can tell you that I am happy today. I am feeling very free. I am feeling strong. I am feeling motivated. I feel like I have direction and am going somewhere. Like I am no longer treading water.

But, why is that? I'm not skinny or fit. I am work in progress. It must be the combination of making progress and those fabulous endorphins that come with a good sweat sesh! 

2014 was an amazing year! The most beautiful crazy stressful fulfilling thing happened to me... I became a Mom. To not one but TWO perfect babies. 

Ethan & Ellison
2 Weeks Old

But, I think something that is not discussed enough is how this major life event changes things. And not just the having to be responsible for another human life part but it changes a woman. It changes her heart. It changes her mind. It changes her body. It's like that great summer you had when you were a teen, all you want is to go back to that summer, but you can't because it is over and everyone has moved on. That is how I have felt the past year. I wanted nothing more than to strap on my running shoes and bust out 5 miles or slip on my size 8 pants (hell, even size 10 or 12 would've been nice) but I couldn't. It wasn't the same. I couldn't run 5 miles.... I couldn't even run ONE mile and those 8/10/12 pants were not going over my justhadtwins hips.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY KIDS. But, I really struggled to balance being a mother, working full-time, and making time for me. And I think that is something a LOT of women struggle with. After many months (10 to be exact), I finally found a schedule that works for everyone. I am able to spend time with my babies, work my full time job, and take an hour to myself to exercise each day.

I guess my point is, it is hard to find your happy. I think it is important to not put the focus on your size or shape (let's face it, I will never be the same shape again after carrying twins) but to focus on taking time for yourself and finding a way to do that without guilt.

Happy wife = Happy life, right?

-M

Back at one.

This is the beginning of a new journey. A new chapter. A new me.

Back story... In 2012 my husband and I found out that our only chance of conception was in-vitro fertilization (IVF). At that point I was very unhealthy. I was overweight and sedentary. My diet was horrible. I made the decision that I would lose some weight before going forward with IVF. I didn't want my weight to cause additional complications in an otherwise already complicated situation.

And so I did just that. From August 2012-April 2013 I lost 45 pounds. Down to 160 from 205. I started slow, minimal weights and lots of cardio. Elliptical at first, then I started the couch to 5K program on the treadmill. Once I was able to run a mile I started running outside. I ran a 5K. Then another. Then I decided I wanted to train to run a half marathon. And I did. I ran my first half marathon mid-April 2013. Then I ran another two weeks later!

Left: 205ish (2012), Right: 160ish (2013)

Left: 205ish (2012), Right: 160ish (2013)

OKC Half Marathon, April 2013

I started the IVF process in May. In June we transferred two embryos in hopes of at least a singleton pregnancy. In July we found out I was carrying fraternal twins! This was AMAZING news! However, I was put on strict exercise restrictions except for walking... I really loved my new active lifestyle and then BAM they slammed the brakes on all that! I was restricted from exercise (except walking) for all but maybe 3 weeks of my pregnancy and even then I was only allowed to swim.

7 Months Pregnant with Twins, December 2013

February 1st, 2014, Ethan & Ellison made their grand entrance into our world! I had to have a semi-emergency c-section at 35 weeks & 2 days gestation due to pre-eclampsia. The day before the twins were born they weighed me and I tipped the scale at 236 pounds. I was huge. Luckily, a good amount of that was baby and water retention. By the time the twins came home from the NICU I was at 194.

Fast forward to today. I just finished my first Whole30 and LOVED it. I lost 15 pounds and dropped a pant size! I am hovering around 174-175. Now, it is time to face the reality of fitness. I have really struggled with fitness over that last year. I want it. I want it bad. But I get discouraged. It seems so much harder this time around. I lost so much strength & stamina while I was pregnant. Not to mention I had a c-section so I was left with zero abs. Not that I had great abs before but I could at least run!

Left: February 2015 Right: March 2015
Whole30 Results

So, I have committed myself to a 12 week fitness program. It is a combination of strength and running. It is the She Sweats 12 Week Run Builder program. I love running but I really need the strength training to help boost fat loss and shape my body. My goal for the next 12 weeks is to get to the 150's. But more importantly to prove to myself that I can do this, I can get back where I was and FEEL great. This is my journey.