2018

Time flies. How is it 2018 already? And almost March of 2018 at that?! I have a lot to catch up on....  

In December I came of up with a New Year's Resolution to work on food freedom and body confidence. I feel like I have done nothing but struggle to lose weight for the last 18 years.... EIGHTEEN YEARS. Man, that sounds awful when I actually write it out. Frankly, I think it is sad that society has set such unrealistic expectations of pretty much everything. Especially when the society that we live in today doesn't even support the lifestyle needed in order for us to meet these ridiculous standards. With a McDonald's (yum) and Starbucks on every other corner, we have been set up to fail. So, my goal for 2018 was, and still is, to learn to eat mindfully and to learn to love my body and myself as is.  

Here we are, February 25th, and my goals are a work in progress. However, I have had to adapt my process a bit as I test trial and error to see what is working for me right now. I still have weight to lose. I still have physical goals to meet. So, while I am still working on food freedom and body acceptance, I am also working on keeping my diet under control and working to meet my physical goals by getting in regular exercise. These two statements seem contradictory, but I quickly realized that I was not quite ready mentally to stop tracking my nutrition for accountability and to keep a workout schedule. I still need structure. Otherwise, I slack on both fronts which has resulted in some weight gain. Luckily, I quickly recognized my problem areas and adapted my plans accordingly. At this point I am not strictly tracking calories or macros, I am just loosely keeping an eye on my daily total calorie intake and working to get in 150 minutes of exercise/week. That is 5 thirty-minute workouts. Nothing specific, just some sort of activity that gets my HR above 100 bpm. 

So, I am still indulging in whatever I want to eat, just in moderation. For example, if we have burgers, I skip the fries. I supplement my meals with raw fruits and veggies. If I am still hungry after I have met my calorie goal for the day, I find something healthy to eat that will satisfy my hunger without ruining my entire day's progress.

As far as exercise.... well, I ran a half marathon last October (finally!) and somehow tweaked my knee a bit. After months of R&R, it has not healed. I had not done much running at all since due to family stuff, but when I started back exercising regularly after the New Year, I noticed my knee was still bothering me. At first it was just here and there, but the more consistently I exercised, even low impact (walking, elliptical), the pain became more consistent. So, of course, Murphy's Law, I finally get into a groove and have to stop due to injury. UGH. I had an MRI last Friday and should find out this week what the diagnosis is. Fairly certain it is a torn meniscus or something like that, so I will probably be having surgery in the next couple weeks. 

I am not going to let this bump in the road derail my goals. I will just hone in on my nutrition and perform core and upper body exercises as my body allows until I can get back to running. After all, Diet > Exercise for weightloss!

So, that's my plan. I know I have started over a million times but I have a good feeling about this year. My PPD/PMDD is well controlled, the twins are older and less exhausting...kinda, lol. I am in a good place in my life to really focus on ME. 

I hope that all of you had a Happy New Year! Love yourself, after all, God made you just the way he planned! 

Three.

Ethan & Ellison turned three last month. I cannot believe how fast time is passing by! I mean, I feel like we have been through a lot but I just can't wrap my mind around them being little KIDS. They aren't babies anymore.

 

They share such an amazing bond. They truly love each other so much. I don't even think they realize that being a twin is abnormal. Their older sisters, Haden & Lauren, are so close in age, I am pretty sure Ellie thinks they are twins too. I love the fact that they have a permanent bestie! Especially with Ethan having food allergies, I am grateful that he has Ellie to help keep him safe when we aren't around.

 

Ellison is a free spirit. She is loud and has the biggest imagination. She loves to sing and dance! She is a storyteller too! And she is VERY girlie. She loves all things pink. She loves skirts and dresses and princesses and babies. Her favorite Disney princess is definitely Elsa right now. Elsa EVERYTHING. Elsa songs, Elsa bedding, Elsa string cheese...

 

Ethan is much more reserved. He is such a sweet boy. He requires way less maintenance than Ellison. He is completely content watching a movie on his "pack pack" aka iPad or playing with his cars. He loves anything that goes... planes, trains, cars, trucks, you name it, he loves it. He is ALL BOY though. Like full blown Batman with sound effects, BOY.

 

They are both finally growing and gaining weight consistently. They are still small, but they are consistently small, so their pediatrician isn't worried about it. At their 3 year well check Ethan weighed 25.8 lbs and was 35.25" tall. Ellison weighed 24.4 lbs and was 34.25" tall. Neither Jacob or I are very big so they didn't have much hope to be tall, lol. 

Ethan's speech is improving so much these days. He is really starting to speak more legibly with less babble. Ellison's speech has been developing rapidly. She is forming full blown sentences and says new words daily. 

Ellison is fully potty trained except for nighttime and has been for a couple months now. She does have the occasional accident but for the most part she does great. We just started working on potty training Ethan about a month ago. He is doing so-so. Not quite ready to take the full plunge but he is showing more interest as the days go by

.

   

#100 Day Challenge

So, back in February I was trying to find some inspiration for a goal for the month. As I was trolling Pinterest for ideas I came across a post about a girl who challenged herself to workout daily for 100 days. From there I did a google search on 100 day challenges and found that a lot of people have done this! And not just for weight loss, but for whatever they were wanting to commit themselves to daily!

I was a little worried about setting such a lofty goal because sometimes the pressure seems to be counteractive for me. But after thinking about it for a couple days I decided to go for it. The twins’ birthday party was already planned for 2/4 so I decided to start my challenge on 2/5. I also challenged myself to no sugar or alcohol for the rest of February.

Today is March 16^th. It is Day 39 of my #100 day challenge and guess what?! I have moved my booty all 39 days! Even when I was sick! Even when I was out of town for work! I have not let one single thing derail my challenge. Now, has every day been an intense workout? No. When I was sick, I just walked around the block a few times with my kids. And on days when time was short, I just did 15-20 minutes on the elliptical. But I have had some sort of exercise every day for the last thirty nine days. I also did abstain from sweets and alcohol for MOST of February. I did have a small piece of cheesecake on Valentine’s Day. And I had a drink on 2/28 while I was gone for work. I mean, it was practically March anyways.

 

Blue = Steps // Green = Workouts

The result? I feel really good! Not just physically, but also mentally! I am very proud of myself for following through on my commitment to myself. And I am excited to keep going. I have also lost 8 pounds and my size 10 pants are buttoning AND zipping. #winning

I have struggled a LOT in the last three years trying to find myself. To find my groove. To achieve my goals. A lot changes after having kids. It’s a lot more than just the day to day duties as a parent. It has been a long and slow adjustment period for me but I do think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the “old me” in myself a little more each day.

Bullocks.

Life happens. It is inevitable. We have a choice. We can choose to let it derail us or we can choose to overcome it. Unfortunately, I am guilty of letting it derail me more often than not. Today I am recognizing that downfall and making a conscious effort to change my mindset. If I don't, I will never be able to reach my goals.

Last week was a little rough, I came down with a stomach bug on Tuesday night and was out of commission all day Wednesday and barely functional on Thursday. I started felling better Friday finally and was able to squeeze a workout in at the gym on Saturday before the weather turned bad. We had freezing rain, thunder sleet, and even snow from Saturday through Monday morning. Thanks to the rain I missed my weekend run.

               

This week started out great considering the rough weekend we had. I ran Monday & Tuesday after work. Wednesday is a rest day for me because the twins have gymnastics from 6-7. Then things took a turn downhill. The hubs was sick last weekend with an upper respiratory infection and apparently I caught it. It reared it's ugly head Thursday morning when I woke up. I immediately called my doctor to get a steroid shot and some cough meds to try and prevent it from becoming bronchitis or pneumonia (both are going around bad). Luckily she said it didn't sound like it was too bad in my chest yet but she also said no running until it cleared up. She said because it was below my neck, in my chest/lungs, running (or cardio) can actually make the infection worse and cause it to develop into bronchitis or pneumonia. She said if it was above my neck, like a head cold, then exercising is fine as long as you're up to it. So there's that. A respiratory infection and no running. Plus, I was feverish Friday & Saturday so I chose not to take my contagious ass to the gym to share my germs. You're welcome.

So here I am on Sunday. Still coughing. Somewhat congested (that started last night). And just wiped out physically. I took my elderberry syrup in hopes to fight it off quickly and do feel like I am improving (no fever today). I also bleached all the hard surfaces, sprayed everything else with lysol, and am washing our bedding in hot water. I am determined to get well overnight tonight. Determined.

Tomorrow, I plan to wake up feeling better. I will have my gym bag packed and ready so I can get my Monday afternoon workout in after work and start the week off right. 2017 hasn't started out quite how I would have liked but I refuse to allow it to defeat me. Life is difficult sometimes. We just have to keep pushing forward.

Here's a couple recent pics of the twins. Ellison is a total diva. She has a huge personality and is pretty happy most of the time! Ethan is much more reserved. This was his first time to try ice cream. Ethan has severe food allergies so it is difficult to find safe foods for him and then when I do find them, he usually refuses them. I try not to get frustrated. Maybe God designed him with a natural defense against his allergens by making him super picky.... Or at least that is what I tell myself.

I hope everyone has a great week and smashes their goals!

Happy 2017

The fog has cleared. Finally. For the first time since getting pregnant I really feel like myself.

I plan to write a whole separate post about my prepartum/postpartum depression when the time is right but for now just know that I had been struggling greatly with depression since the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy, so for almost 3 years. I have tried and tried to get my healthy back since pregnancy with very little success. But I have also not been myself. I have been depressed. Incorrectly medicated. Living in a fog. Going through the motions. And not feeling much of anything. This time is different. I am no longer in a fog. My depression is well controlled. And I am feeling more like myself than I have in years!

So, what’s new in 2017? Well, for me, I want to just LIVE. Like, really live. I want to embrace all the moments. I want to be present. I want to enjoy the day, the month, the year. I want to live and lead a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. I want to find what makes me happy and drown myself in it. Right now I am focusing on getting an exercise routine established. I am doing a combination of running and weight lifting 5x/week. I am really hoping my running will take off and lead me down a path of runner’s highs and races.

Also, in 2 weeks I will have 3 year old twins?!?! How did this happen?

Obstacles.

So, I have been MIA…. For months. Sorry about that. It is a very long story, but in short, I have really struggled with my own mental health. Maybe I will share the details another day. As for now, I am trying to refocus myself on my own health and wellness.

Unfortunately over the past few months I have stopped exercising and watching my diet. The result… weight gain, fatigue, loss of strength, loss of endurance, & depression. I just cannot not exercise and eat crap. I feel terrible. Gone are the days where I could sleep all day and eat fast food without feeling poorly or having guilt about it.

In an attempt to refocus myself, I am reevaluating my situation, including my goals. The twins are 2.5, full of energy, a two-person job for sure, and are still only sleeping through the night (Ellison) 30ish% of the time. This greatly affects what I can and cannot do realistically. So, instead of putting myself up against impossible goals and then feeling defeated when I do not accomplish them, I am choosing to set much more realistic goals in accordance with my current situation. All the while, I am reminding myself that it is just a season.

As far as exercise goes, I really just want to focus on my running. Running makes me happy. It makes me feel good. It helps me relax and destress. It has provides multiple benefits, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I know, I know, lifting weights builds muscle and muscle burns more calories than fat… I get it. And I am not opposed to lifting weights. But, realistically, I cannot work out 6 days/week for an hour plus. I just can’t right now. So rather than setting myself up for failure, I am choosing to simplify my goals to meet my needs RIGHT NOW. And right now, I NEED TO FEEL GOOD. Physically, mentally, emotionally. So I am going to run.

Diet. Ugh. I hate that word. I swear I have been on a diet for almost 20 years. I have tried every “diet” possible, low carb, clean eating, low calorie, macro based, weight watchers, whole30…. The list goes on and on. While none of these were perfect, I have learned a little about what works for me and what does not. I FEEL best when I limit grains/sugar/processed foods. I am the least hungry when I eat a diet high in protein. What does not work… Restriction. Low protein. High carb.

So, my plan is to focus on a high protein/high calorie diet with limited grains/sugar/processed foods. I want to get majority of my carbohydrates from fruits and vegetables rather than junk. Like an 80/20 approach (80% clean foods, 20% unclean foods). My initial calorie goal is 1800 calories/day.  I am going to focus on this and running for TWO WEEKS before I change anything. I measured my natural waist and naval area for comparison; I am not going to weigh myself on the scale.

I am in difficult place right now but am truly determined to get myself back to feeling good. Life is difficult. Obstacles come out of nowhere and throw us off track. That is reality. But, I am choosing to not let it defeat me. I am choosing to overcome these obstacles. I am choosing me. <3

Drift.

 Our sermon in church yesterday was about religious drifting. It was defined as “Changing behaviors without changing beliefs”

As it was very clear how applicable it is to our faith, I had an “Ah-Ha” moment later yesterday afternoon as I compulsively ate Lemmon Oreos that I had “drifted” in more areas of my life that I had realized.

Why was I binging on Oreos? That is not behavior that follows my beliefs. And I know it. I know better. I know I have goals. BIG goals. To lose weight and improve my health and fitness. And I know that binging on Oreos is not going to help me reach my goals… In reality, IT HINDERS IT.

So, why am I sabotaging my progress? Why am I making poor food choices? Why am I letting Oreos WIN? Well, in my “Ah-Ha” moment I realized that there was much more to those Oreos than a tasty treat. It was a compulsive behavior. Like that of an addict.

Addiction:

·         a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)

·         an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something

So, there’s that. I think I have an addiction to sugar. Like, a real addiction. There is no moderation for me when it comes to delicious sweet treats. It is all or nothing. I can usually resist sweets in general. BUT, if I allow myself to have some… I will likely eat all the sweets before I realize how much I have consumed.

This is a recent development. I have always had weight struggles and have definitely made many poor food choices to get where I am at and I have always had a sweet tooth, but, never to this extreme. I have never had a compulsive need to eat anything.

So yesterday in the midst of my “Ah-Ha” moment, I had a realization that I had allowed Oreos to have POWER over me and knew right then that it had to stop. I immediately threw the Oreos in the trash.

Weight loss is a journey. We stumble, we fall, we get back up, we keep going. End of story. So, this was definitely a stumble & fall but I will not allow it to derail all of my progress. I will keep going because the only other option is to quit. And quitting will result in me feeling like shit. And I don’t want to feel like shit. Simple enough.

Today is a new day and a new week! I have EIGHT weeks until our beach vacation and I have every intention of pushing myself as hard as I can to reach some fitness/weight milestones in the next eight weeks.

Now for the reality check. Not only did those Oreos make me feel awful last night (I had a horrible headache) but they also made their presence known when I stepped on the scale AND when I struggled to button my pants this morning.

Last weigh-in: 4/18/2016

177.0

Today:

182.6

Womp. Womp.

I am sure some of that is bloat but no excuses, I made poor food choices and it shows.

I started the week out right with a good Monday morning sweat sesh! Chest/Arms + HIIT before work! I plan to take measurements and pictures tonight and will check back in next Monday.